Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, September 7, 2009
an open letter to my EX husband
Who I was , what I am, where I am going.
It's been nearly ten years since I last saw you. looking back on our time I can't for the life of me recognize the person you knew. She was angry, insecure, demanding, and more than a bit wrong. for those things I am truly sorry. I NEEDED to feel as though you would love me despite who I was and I acted in ways that leave me baffled in retrospect.
I have no intentions of opening a dialog with you. I want nothing from you. I simply need to clear the air.
That girl from a decade ago was frightened of her self.
I am not.
That girl was at best illiterate.
I am about 9 credits shy of two associate degrees (one in education and one in psych).
That girl was terrified of her own tomorrows.
I am chasing tomorrow with all I have (admittedly with a butcher knife in hand.. but hey it's still an improvement.)
That girl was a victim of her past.
I boss the ghosts of my history around while wearing a brigadiers helmet.
That girl allowed a tiny broken doll to dictate her life.
I am a FREE agent.
That girl dreamed about being somebody anybody.
I finally understand that I am more than a somebody.
There are so many things I want to say.
I want to speak to you sometimes, I want to tell you all about my new grand daughter, and share with you the terror I'm experiencing while watching my youngest little evil grown into a strong bright young woman. I want to ask your advice about which college I should chase to further my psych degree but I hear you have a wife and a life and I am so happy thinking you have found some one who suits you.
It's been nearly ten years since I last saw you. looking back on our time I can't for the life of me recognize the person you knew. She was angry, insecure, demanding, and more than a bit wrong. for those things I am truly sorry. I NEEDED to feel as though you would love me despite who I was and I acted in ways that leave me baffled in retrospect.
I have no intentions of opening a dialog with you. I want nothing from you. I simply need to clear the air.
That girl from a decade ago was frightened of her self.
I am not.
That girl was at best illiterate.
I am about 9 credits shy of two associate degrees (one in education and one in psych).
That girl was terrified of her own tomorrows.
I am chasing tomorrow with all I have (admittedly with a butcher knife in hand.. but hey it's still an improvement.)
That girl was a victim of her past.
I boss the ghosts of my history around while wearing a brigadiers helmet.
That girl allowed a tiny broken doll to dictate her life.
I am a FREE agent.
That girl dreamed about being somebody anybody.
I finally understand that I am more than a somebody.
There are so many things I want to say.
I want to speak to you sometimes, I want to tell you all about my new grand daughter, and share with you the terror I'm experiencing while watching my youngest little evil grown into a strong bright young woman. I want to ask your advice about which college I should chase to further my psych degree but I hear you have a wife and a life and I am so happy thinking you have found some one who suits you.
an open letter to my EX husband
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Rize again
I stumbled again.
Ended up so far down i might has well have been under ground.
I'm dirty again .
covered in my own filth and feces.
I'm crying again.
Salty bits of nothing running lazily down the inside of my thigh.
I'm screaming again.
the yelps and moans pried out of my lips by the force of your will.
I am broken again.
Tearing myself apart to do the bidding of the unseen.
I am tired again.
Used up and spit out by the powers that be.
I'm useless again.
Fates whore is only as good as her customer base.
Why is falling up so painful?
Ended up so far down i might has well have been under ground.
I'm dirty again .
covered in my own filth and feces.
I'm crying again.
Salty bits of nothing running lazily down the inside of my thigh.
I'm screaming again.
the yelps and moans pried out of my lips by the force of your will.
I am broken again.
Tearing myself apart to do the bidding of the unseen.
I am tired again.
Used up and spit out by the powers that be.
I'm useless again.
Fates whore is only as good as her customer base.
Why is falling up so painful?
Rize again
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Who's Johnny ?
Random bit of my childhood
I would have been a very very small child probably 2 or 3 years old.
My dad was positively explosive with energy ... he was always hyper and loud but he was really wound up i mean just out there completely manic. mom kept saying john i don't think you really should take her .. i think all the strangers will scare her ..... dad made this barking noise and said if you can take her to the bar when you have a gig i can take her to this show ..
after a pause he added
shut up she is my kid too.
i always liked it better when daddy dressed me. mom always made me wear itchy heavy leotards and thick velvet dresses with tons of lace on them . when daddy dressed me he let me wear pretty dresses or pants i liked pants the best ... well honestly i liked naked the absolute best .......
he never tried to put my hair up either i was most grateful for that ..
he kept saying we are going to meet a great man tonight baby and you are gonna sing for him like you do for mommy and daddy ok?
i don't remember much about getting to the place except that we walked cuz daddy couldn't get the car to start.
when we got to the show (that's what daddy kept calling it ... that confused me cuz a show was for the box in the living room ... beside the point i know)
it wasn't that different from moms gigs there were lots of ppl who smelled weird and had on lots of shiny things and none of them had been bottle broke which was a big deal to me because i just had been. i was very angry about it to be honest daddy took my bottle away and told me big girls didn't need them but all these people still had them .. i was pissed .
people came up to us like they always did and daddy wore his pride and joy smile like he always did and they gave me round silver things and peices of paper i couldn't use just like usual . i had never understood why they gave me all this stuff. i couldn't eat it and daddy wouldn't really let me play with it but i took it and put it in daddy's shirt pocket like always. it was noisier than moms gigs with more people but it was the same ... i wasn't scared at all .. a woman we knew was there her name was stacy i think i didn't call her anything cuz i didn't really say much to people outside of daddy .. she held me while daddy went some where but i wiggled around and she put me down .. i wanted on the stage. when i went on moms stage the boys would let me make noise on their toys ... meaning i was allowed to hit the drums and strum the guitars .. and the man on stage had a pretty guitar that made prettier noises than the one on moms stage. i wanted it ... it was harder to get to his stage . i knew the way a set worked i understood what it sounded like when it was time for mom to get off the stage .. i headed for him and his guitar like a heat seeking missile
. this stage was taller than moms but i found the stairs and made my way up them . a man tried to grab me from behind i bit his hand and he let go. i ran as fast as i could to the man with the guitar. there isn't an adult on the planet that can out run a terrible two who is on a mission . i got to him just as he was saying good night to the people . he looked down at me and a smile spread across his face i couldn't say guitar as such i actually said TAW TAW to him .. i could hear my daddy screaming DE DE ANNNNNNE but i wanted that guitar i was reaching up saying taw taw taw.. he crouched down and said whats that honey ... the guitar was now with in reach ... TAW i squealed and reached out and ran my fingers across the strings ... he laughed
daddy was there then and scooped me up he fussed over me and at me but i was happy i played with the guitar . the man said something to the people an they all laughed ... when i was older i asked daddy and he said he told them "now i've had had alot of girls rush the stage in my years but that is by far the prettiest and she don't even want me ... aint that the luck"
the man put his hand on daddies shoulder and said mister that is one helluva reason to get up in the morning . what made u bring this little ray of sunshine to a dark ugly place like this ? what ever it was i sure thank ya.
my daddy grined so big and said that he brought me cuz he wanted me to sing for the man
the man said she can sing she can't hardly talk
daddy said no she doesn't say much really but she can talk and she knows all the words to you are my sunshine . she makes me play the reacord over and over. she takes after her moma. her moma sings country music too you wouldn't know her tho.
the man said we should go some where quieter and we went to a room it was small and there were alot of people in it but they all went real quiet daddy stood me on a table and said Dede are you gonna sing for him the way you do for me ?
i was a little confused at first but then the man started playing the music ... i knew the music soooooo well
you are my tuntine my ownyee tuntine ....
you get the idea ..
and that's the way it was.
I would have been a very very small child probably 2 or 3 years old.
My dad was positively explosive with energy ... he was always hyper and loud but he was really wound up i mean just out there completely manic. mom kept saying john i don't think you really should take her .. i think all the strangers will scare her ..... dad made this barking noise and said if you can take her to the bar when you have a gig i can take her to this show ..
after a pause he added
shut up she is my kid too.
i always liked it better when daddy dressed me. mom always made me wear itchy heavy leotards and thick velvet dresses with tons of lace on them . when daddy dressed me he let me wear pretty dresses or pants i liked pants the best ... well honestly i liked naked the absolute best .......
he never tried to put my hair up either i was most grateful for that ..
he kept saying we are going to meet a great man tonight baby and you are gonna sing for him like you do for mommy and daddy ok?
i don't remember much about getting to the place except that we walked cuz daddy couldn't get the car to start.
when we got to the show (that's what daddy kept calling it ... that confused me cuz a show was for the box in the living room ... beside the point i know)
it wasn't that different from moms gigs there were lots of ppl who smelled weird and had on lots of shiny things and none of them had been bottle broke which was a big deal to me because i just had been. i was very angry about it to be honest daddy took my bottle away and told me big girls didn't need them but all these people still had them .. i was pissed .
people came up to us like they always did and daddy wore his pride and joy smile like he always did and they gave me round silver things and peices of paper i couldn't use just like usual . i had never understood why they gave me all this stuff. i couldn't eat it and daddy wouldn't really let me play with it but i took it and put it in daddy's shirt pocket like always. it was noisier than moms gigs with more people but it was the same ... i wasn't scared at all .. a woman we knew was there her name was stacy i think i didn't call her anything cuz i didn't really say much to people outside of daddy .. she held me while daddy went some where but i wiggled around and she put me down .. i wanted on the stage. when i went on moms stage the boys would let me make noise on their toys ... meaning i was allowed to hit the drums and strum the guitars .. and the man on stage had a pretty guitar that made prettier noises than the one on moms stage. i wanted it ... it was harder to get to his stage . i knew the way a set worked i understood what it sounded like when it was time for mom to get off the stage .. i headed for him and his guitar like a heat seeking missile
. this stage was taller than moms but i found the stairs and made my way up them . a man tried to grab me from behind i bit his hand and he let go. i ran as fast as i could to the man with the guitar. there isn't an adult on the planet that can out run a terrible two who is on a mission . i got to him just as he was saying good night to the people . he looked down at me and a smile spread across his face i couldn't say guitar as such i actually said TAW TAW to him .. i could hear my daddy screaming DE DE ANNNNNNE but i wanted that guitar i was reaching up saying taw taw taw.. he crouched down and said whats that honey ... the guitar was now with in reach ... TAW i squealed and reached out and ran my fingers across the strings ... he laughed
daddy was there then and scooped me up he fussed over me and at me but i was happy i played with the guitar . the man said something to the people an they all laughed ... when i was older i asked daddy and he said he told them "now i've had had alot of girls rush the stage in my years but that is by far the prettiest and she don't even want me ... aint that the luck"
the man put his hand on daddies shoulder and said mister that is one helluva reason to get up in the morning . what made u bring this little ray of sunshine to a dark ugly place like this ? what ever it was i sure thank ya.
my daddy grined so big and said that he brought me cuz he wanted me to sing for the man
the man said she can sing she can't hardly talk
daddy said no she doesn't say much really but she can talk and she knows all the words to you are my sunshine . she makes me play the reacord over and over. she takes after her moma. her moma sings country music too you wouldn't know her tho.
the man said we should go some where quieter and we went to a room it was small and there were alot of people in it but they all went real quiet daddy stood me on a table and said Dede are you gonna sing for him the way you do for me ?
i was a little confused at first but then the man started playing the music ... i knew the music soooooo well
you are my tuntine my ownyee tuntine ....
you get the idea ..
and that's the way it was.
Who's Johnny ?
Desires
because my heart is tiny and black
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day
because of the chink in my armor
because of the stupid ideas in my head
because i don't know if I'm leading or being lead
because of silly little seconds flying past me
because of my longing to dream for ever
because my mind and heart were always separate
because my heart is tiny and black
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day
because of the chink in my armor
because of the stupid ideas in my head
because i don't know if I'm leading or being lead
because of silly little seconds flying past me
because of my longing to dream for ever
because my mind and heart were always separate
because my heart is tiny and black
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day
Desires
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
brittle wings and things
I always try to wait my turn patiently ........
not in a moment like this tho.
I have a couple chocolate milks and sandwiches for me and the youngest and I'm standing in line waiting to check out. as I look around at all the people ( a habit i learned when i was a much younger much more illegal gurl) i spot her through the windows of the QuickTrip. an involuntary shutter rages through me at the shear idea of the drama i know is coming. the pair of them are at least sober enough to walk. he has taken to this paul buyon look as of late sporting an empressive beard and baggy jeans while she has surrendered the temptress look and gone for this boheimian sheek thing(aka charity clothes in layers). as I prayed they hadn't seen me yet I begged the man in front of me to let me cut in line no such luck. i look up an he is wearing a hearing aid and she has already wrapped her whole body around me. "Oh My GOD baby how are you? me an him are doing great. hows the kids? are you doing well in school? of course you are you are probably the smartest person i know next to him." I am starting to feel like an ass for wanting to avoid her but she cures me quickly when she turns and sees some kid checking out on the other side of the counter. he has his hands full of laffy taffy and looks .. well about 15. "oh it's you mother fucker don't think i don't recognize you." she says in a matter of fact tone. he looks up at her and you can tell by the look on his face he has delt with her before. instinctualy i play through the possiblities of the scenerio in my head. I come up with ideas like maybe he vandalized something of theirs or stold something.. i wasn't ready for what came next. " honey thats him thats him" she says fervently to her lover "thats the one that raped me. aren't you going to do something about it?" her lover says calmly to the counter guy could you please call the police? the counter guy agrees and she gets mad as fuck.
"that man raped me and you want to call the police? i thought you loved me you cowardly peice of shit. fine i'll kick his ass myself!" up till now she has ahold of my coat sleeve. she lets go and i hastly pay for my things and try to get out the door. I can't get out tho because one of the counter guys two strangers and her lover are having a confrontation in front of the doors with this band of like 4 or 5 15 year old kids. it isn't physical yet the adult men know better what with the boys being so obviously underage. she is some how weeping about her trama with out shedding a tear and or for that matter appearing even remotely sencere. another guy from behind the counter says hey why aren't you helping your friend she has a right to be upset? an older black woman pipes up "cuz that junkie bitch is obviously full of shit.. thats why ain't nobody cares." I hold up two fingers and the man says ask whats that mean ? a biker guy says "she means she seconds that notion" the girl is crawling all over me bawling and screaming with the most transparent angst you have ever seen. the older black woman sees my utter revulsion and takes pitty on me i suppose because she grabs my arm and yanks on me hard pulling me out of the girls grasp . she drags me through the crowd of guys at the front door yelling "the first one of you craker faggots lays a hand on me is gonna taste some evil" i think thats one helluva quote there. the 15 year old boys use the distraction to make a break for it I do as well making it to the van as the boys beat a hasty retreet i can't help but notice that for rapeists they sure are making an awful lot of effort to not knock over the old women who are at the end off the side walk gawkin the whole scene.
sigh
for more info on these two "characters" see of needles and wings.
not in a moment like this tho.
I have a couple chocolate milks and sandwiches for me and the youngest and I'm standing in line waiting to check out. as I look around at all the people ( a habit i learned when i was a much younger much more illegal gurl) i spot her through the windows of the QuickTrip. an involuntary shutter rages through me at the shear idea of the drama i know is coming. the pair of them are at least sober enough to walk. he has taken to this paul buyon look as of late sporting an empressive beard and baggy jeans while she has surrendered the temptress look and gone for this boheimian sheek thing(aka charity clothes in layers). as I prayed they hadn't seen me yet I begged the man in front of me to let me cut in line no such luck. i look up an he is wearing a hearing aid and she has already wrapped her whole body around me. "Oh My GOD baby how are you? me an him are doing great. hows the kids? are you doing well in school? of course you are you are probably the smartest person i know next to him." I am starting to feel like an ass for wanting to avoid her but she cures me quickly when she turns and sees some kid checking out on the other side of the counter. he has his hands full of laffy taffy and looks .. well about 15. "oh it's you mother fucker don't think i don't recognize you." she says in a matter of fact tone. he looks up at her and you can tell by the look on his face he has delt with her before. instinctualy i play through the possiblities of the scenerio in my head. I come up with ideas like maybe he vandalized something of theirs or stold something.. i wasn't ready for what came next. " honey thats him thats him" she says fervently to her lover "thats the one that raped me. aren't you going to do something about it?" her lover says calmly to the counter guy could you please call the police? the counter guy agrees and she gets mad as fuck.
"that man raped me and you want to call the police? i thought you loved me you cowardly peice of shit. fine i'll kick his ass myself!" up till now she has ahold of my coat sleeve. she lets go and i hastly pay for my things and try to get out the door. I can't get out tho because one of the counter guys two strangers and her lover are having a confrontation in front of the doors with this band of like 4 or 5 15 year old kids. it isn't physical yet the adult men know better what with the boys being so obviously underage. she is some how weeping about her trama with out shedding a tear and or for that matter appearing even remotely sencere. another guy from behind the counter says hey why aren't you helping your friend she has a right to be upset? an older black woman pipes up "cuz that junkie bitch is obviously full of shit.. thats why ain't nobody cares." I hold up two fingers and the man says ask whats that mean ? a biker guy says "she means she seconds that notion" the girl is crawling all over me bawling and screaming with the most transparent angst you have ever seen. the older black woman sees my utter revulsion and takes pitty on me i suppose because she grabs my arm and yanks on me hard pulling me out of the girls grasp . she drags me through the crowd of guys at the front door yelling "the first one of you craker faggots lays a hand on me is gonna taste some evil" i think thats one helluva quote there. the 15 year old boys use the distraction to make a break for it I do as well making it to the van as the boys beat a hasty retreet i can't help but notice that for rapeists they sure are making an awful lot of effort to not knock over the old women who are at the end off the side walk gawkin the whole scene.
sigh
for more info on these two "characters" see of needles and wings.
brittle wings and things
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