E

EVERMORE

I don't know how to begin. He was just suddenly there, this huge hulking mass of native american. He's gone now I just heard about it a few hours ago sept 18 . I'm flooded with memories still . Like hugging the camode at crispy's house throwing up . I looked into the bowl and their were all these strange dark lines kinda like when you throw up blood. I looked up and he was standing in the door. "you ok?" He always tried to seem casual. "I think I'm throwing up blood..." I whimpered. He looked over my shoulder saw what as a sober person I know was just dr. pepper. "aaa you'll be fine it's just those damd flying monkeys." he said with a straight face. "It's not blood?" "naaa it's definitely flying monkeys." he helped me up and washed off my face. I washed as his dark hand and white wash cloth whipped across my pale skin in the mirror. "hey don't look to hard at that you'll get lost" I nodded "Hey check this out" he said as he lite a bic lighter and moved it side to side making tracers for me. "O wow " I giggled he led me out of the bathroom and into the dinning room where I slept in this weird round chair. Every one else was going to sleep . he guided me to my bed and handed me a little piece of furry cloth stuff and told me that I wasn't allowed to get off my chair or the monkeys would fly away with me. The furry cloth was to protect me against anything scary.

There was a guy named tomas he had a crush on me but I was oblivious, I usually was back then. still have that issue now come to think of it. one day i went with him to this "lock in party" it was so lame. so we left and drove around just talking and listening to the radio. he stopped and said he was tired and that he wanted to crash so he lays down the back seat and tugs on my arm "come on lets get some rest it's 4 am" so I climb back there gullibility thinking that we were gonna crash. he got handsy with me and kinda rough. i got out of the car and started walking. two days later when i had my way back to the house he asked me where i'd been. i broke and told him. NDN tortured the hell out of that guy alot of the guys from the scene did. I wasn't used to ppl caring . about a month later NDN walked up to me and handed me a necklace that the guy always wore. it had blood on it . NDN had run into him alone and roughed him up.

I spent so much of that time confused. he would always patiently explain why ppl acted the way they did or what i had done to cause it. he taught me to mosh, shoot vodka, and how to throw up with out getting it on my clothes. He pinched me when i said something derogatory about my self. When he crashed at crispy's he woke up when i had bad dreams and held my hand.

Rest sweetly I really will miss you with all my heart.

D is for

Desolation

An audience of Nil is who hears my cries. How gothic is that ?
Some days i dream of being heard.. Others i pray with all my little black bleeding heart that no one has noticed me or my maladies. 33rd it is now the year of metamorphose i drag my feet. I am growing older and change is frightening to me. over and over i chide myself for being so cowardly .. were it a man who threatened the things i want i would crush him totally, thoroughly, and completely. it's not a man is it? it's not another person at all it's me and my petty worries and woes. my steps carry more weight now change will effect them more so than before because all we have is us even if they would kill to be chained to anyone but me.
funny to adore them and have her despise me ....
fate of things i suppose

C is for ....

Contraption (this INFERNAL..)

"Well if this infernal contraption would...." or " Why doesn't this irritating contraption do what it's supposed to do?" Those two statements told the entire world that Jim was "working" on something and had plans to continue until it was "fixed" . By the way if you aren't aware of the definition of the word fixed it means mutilated beyond recognition, O and working that actually means beating mercilessly at an inanimate object with a collection of the most impressive looking tools you can possible muster. Jim was one of my step grandfathers. My Mother was from Grandma's second marriage and Jim was her fifth husband. I had grown up with the man in fact until I was ten or so before I had even met any of the others, but I knew I wasn't his actual granddaughter.
Moving on is what we should be doing I reckon, so here we go.....

It's the dead of winter here in Thonnasassa Fl. which of course means it's a frigid 65 degrees out. Now while I know that there are allot of towns in which a 65 degree day in January would be cause for nothing short of jubilation, here it's a terribly cold day for a climate that is mostly temperate to hot and occasionally even dammed hot. I've already seen our weirdo neighbors pop their heads out make exclamations about the cold air and burrow back into their cozy trailer. Where no doubt electric heaters and warming blankets have been drug from their hiding holes and put into service. It only makes me laugh at their strangeness all the more. "grandpa i thought dey was from up nort sumplase like mitchigun or somethin" I'm prodding him for more information about the people he told me I'm not allowed to be in contact with. He knows it and I know he knows it.... etc.... "Girl, just go get me a 18ths inch head fur my drill, and quit askin about stuff you know damwell your not sposed to be into." "yet tir" I bowed my head and obediently went after the requested tool piece. I'm not fooled old man I thought to myself he'll break as soon as you get back with this socket he let it spill out nice and easy like it's all on purpose. I return with a simple smile on my face certain I had guessed what an 18th inch socket looked like. It was a guess you know, I hadn't a clue what he was talking about beyond that when he worked on the lawn mower he used these one things with holes down the middle on the end of his drill he called them sockets. He was working on the mower now and I hadn't seen the holed sockets so he must want those. I hold my hand out palm up with two of the sockets balanced carefully on top of it. He looked up and smiled at me. "Figured two was safer odds of getting right did you?" "Yet tir" I said simply I never had to hide with Grandpa he understood me, knew my limitations, comprehended my potential and rolled with it all. "Good plan girl, three might have been a safer bet tho." "No tir, it wudn't hab cuz i wuda habd prolems wit three pitting into my hand." I spoke in the way that was comfortable there were times when he fussed over how I spoke, but as long as we were in a private setting it was safe to talk the right way the normal way. "dot it wite doe didnt i?" "Yes Sister you did. Good job with it too." He called every one who wasn't Grandma but was female sister, even his own daughters. I stood there starring at him waiting for the expected. He stopped working after a moment and said softly "Yes they are from Michigan, or at least, that's how they tell it." I smiled a big smile, stuck my finger in my mouth, and made for the inner gate planning now to play on my swing set until he took a break for lunch or Grandma found something for me to do.