of needles and wings

"She was a looker once wasn't she?" I ask openly of the girl sitting in front of me. She sits cross legged on the floor head lolling to the left, mouth slightly open, and the lids of her dark eyes nearly closed. she opens her mouth only slightly wider and mumbles something that sounds like " I'm not sigh I'm juss a lil tiwred cush i ain't beend sleepin sho well." If you have ever known a girl like her you learned fairly quickly to translate thru the opiate slurr. " Or it could be the pills. You think, maybe your tired becuase of the pills hun?" I know what the response will be long before I have finished the sentence. "noooo, I didn't take no pills. why would you say that? I don't take pills. I'm just tired i told you. Besides you know i can handle my drugs and i only had three cottons thats not enough to get me off... you know that." Her lover emerges from the bathroom of their tiny efficiency apartment theres a strap mark fresh and red in the pale white of his skin. still rubbing the site of his injection he sinks to the floor behind her and begins nuzzeling her neck and hair. I'm struck by the contrast of their skin hers being this dark deep tan naturally inherited from her father who was rumored to have been from pakastan, his pasty white i wouldn't even attempt a guess at his linage just general Caucasian you know. He's cooing at her now "i love you baby. you are so perfect how did i get so lucky to find you? god your so beautiful!" Theres nothing quite like Junkie love. here they sit all cuddeled up an being cute. Her sporting a black eye and busted lip from where he hit her, and him sporting a large bundeled of bandaging on his thigh from where she got mad and stabbed him over a rig of heroin last night (which is the reason he hit her this time) but never forget they are in love. I can't help myself a very loud very dramatic sigh escapes me .. they both look up at me an she says "don't worry baby you'll get a good guy one day. he won't be as good as mine, but don't forget he is mine an you can't have him." This odd barking laugh flows out of me " ya i'm sure one day i'll find mr. right. Thank you for thinking of me." At this point he has all but removed her top, Mind you that crammed into this room are the three of us an six other guys. Oddly enough only two of these other guys are actually looking at the pair of them . it seems that even other junkies are annoyed by her. I take a long slow drag off my cigarette and think to myself.. you know if i wrote these people as characters i'm not sure anyone would believe they were real.. While her lover openly mauls her in front of this audience comprised mostly of people who appear to be repulsed she begins to repeat her dialog. one which we have all heard a million or more times. "My mom tricked me an stold my daughter... they won't let me have her back... i miss her sooo much.. it wouldn't be like this if she was here you know... I love her... She's with my EX's parents.. those snotty rich fuckers won't let me spend time with her.. they say i'm a drug addict! Can you believe that a drug addict ?? me a drug addict? HA ! assholes just want to steal her because she is so perfect" he swats her "playfully" on the back of her head it makes this big WAP noise and he chides her "I told you not to dwell on that anymore it only makes you depressed. I like it better when your happy. here take this it will make it better baby" he crams a pill into her mouth this time it's one of the bars they just bought off me. normally i make my drop and leave but theres alot of cops roaming the hood so i'm laying low here for a few minutes. honestly tho at this point being arrested seems preferable. i get lost in my thoughts in a memory of a conversation with my daughter .. she asked me if selling them the drugs made me just as awful as they are for being addicted to the drugs . i told her honey look in momies purse how many pill bottles are there . she counts them and comes up with 15 but only 13 different kinds of pills. i say to her baby you know they are there and yet are either of us so high on those pills that we can't speak? she says no mom i hardly ever even see you take them. i say yea thats cuz i have self control an so do you. those people aren't my responsibility they know what they are doing and don't care. they will do what ever it takes to feed their addiction so why not let their addiction buy you the new shoes you want? she looked puzzled for a moment and says mom you are always talking about helping people and doing whats right even if they were gonna try to get it from somewhere shouldn't you try to help them get control? I have tried baby i took that girl to sign into a rehab three times now. I don't have to help people who won't help themselves. theres a difference between enabling her and her habit and helping mrs. smite with her lawn .. I'm pulled out of my thoughts by what sounds to be a scuffel i open my eyes to find one of the other guys has pulled out his rig bag and she is crawling across the floor begging the guy for his rinse crying that she hasn't had anything all day an she's dope sick he mumbles "whatever bitch" and she's on him now rubbing his cock and cooing at him about how she would do anything for just a little bit her lover is nodding out an unawares the guy shoves her away from him .. i notice he is nicer than most of them the others would have out an out hit her. he looks up for help and realizing he isn't going to find any. he promises her his rinse if she'll just shut the fuck up. he breaks out a small baggy full of white powder i can tell from across the room that it's nothing i would ever be interested in it's clumpy and kind of gooey looking, he gathers his odds and ends out of his rig kit. When she sees the bag her whineing and cooing hits a new level of annoying plaintive wail. she's on him again i am amazed by how fast she moves she has crossed the distance between them and has his pants undone an his dick in her mouth before he has time to even protest not that he could do much he has a cup of water and a spoon in one hand and the powder baggy and dart in the other. her head bobs furiously up and down on his crotch and all he can say is "bitch get off ..." he's screaming for her lover to come and get her. Now i'm a helpful person but i'm not getting near either of them especially not knowing if that dart is clean or dirty. so i get up and take three steps across the room to kick her lover only there isn't much response so i kick him again and hard this time. HE comes around begrudgingly and i grab his hair and point him at his girl "hey man you better get her before she makes him spill his shit an he beats the shit out of her." She realizes that he's awake when he grabs her by her ankle and drags her towards him and begins to scream "he was rapeing I would never cheat on you . HE was rapeing me !". he is screaming at the guy "Your like my brother man, how could you do this to me?" the guy with the baggy is ignoring them both and working at getting his rig in order. i won't lie i'm laughing full on out loud this is some comical shit guys it really is .. fuck jerry springer and jerry lewis we need a jerry junkie show for TV.

Yeah i know it's typo heaven sorri

lurking

"god i hate that smell." she moaned as they entered the door. "i hate these calls to! have i mentioned that to you tony?" refusing to commit to the subject he simply restated " alright we are here on a second go round. we have the warrant. she's approximately 73 , a shut in, last heard from 3 days ago, and she should be behiiiind this door." he said soundly rapping on the apartment door. "Mrs. Jonas ... Mrs. Jonas.. this is officer Randolf with the police department. " he shouted. he was loud enough that the dead would have been bothered but nothing stirred. tony paused and turned "where is the land lord? " Sahara gloomed "I'll call in and see if they can reach him" "Mrs. Jonas if you don't at least respond to us verbaly we will be forced to enter. we have a warrant. you aren't in any trouble Mrs. Jonas we simply need to know if you are OK" Sahara moved away a few feet so that she could hear the radio over tony pounding on the door. "break it down" came back from the dispatcher and Sahara sank inside. "tony I'm gonna go get the ram word is to take the door down" stepping out into the open air she took several deep breaths . her lungs hurt she hadn't realized she had been all but holding her breath. walking towards the squad car she squirmed inside her skin. she hated old people they just made her stomach turn. it wasn't that she thought bad things should happen to them or that they didn't have a right to live or what ever it was just that she couldn't stand them. the way they smelled. that scary scratchy part of their voice. their wrinkled nasty skin . trying to get the key into the lock on the trunk she realized she was trembling. she tried to shake it off but it came off more like a shutter than an exercise of will. she yanked the ram out of trunk and tried to prepare herself mentally to re enter the dank gloom of the apartment building . it was an old brown stone the sort that used to cover older parts of town. most of them had been torn down to make room for "progress" she normally thought it a shame to demolish them but right now she wasn't so sure. reaching the top of the third floor she knew something was wrong. all her senses told her to run but she couldn't understand why. then she realized tony was no longer in the hallway mentally she kicked herself for being so easily spooked. the old bird probably answered the door finally. the battery in her hearing aid had probably run down with out her noticing and she hadn't heard him at first. he was in there now fending off her 15 cats and politely pretending to drink a cup of coffee. still for some reason she dropped the ram. it landed with a thud as she drew her gun and called out "tony ?" tony stuck his head through the open apartment door way and gave her a quirky smile "i guess i don't know my own strength" his smile usually made her feel safe but it didn't sooth her nerves this time. he looked at her drawn weapon with an odd tilt of his head "hey when your done chasing the bogies in the hallway you could join me in here looking for Mrs Jonas." cursing him under her breath as she did frequently she holstered her gun but didn't secure it. pulling her self together she tried to casually walk to the door and into the apartment but again failed miserably as her legs seemed to be made of something spongy and argumentative. by the time she made it into the door tony was no longer in sight but she could hear him in the next room calling out for the old lady. Sahara picked her way through piles and piles of magazines and newspapers past mountains of empty cat food cans and over mounds of empty grocer sacks and old plastic containers. what was it she thought to her self about old people and saving plastic bowls and old jars she was certain she had just seen a tang jar with a picture of an astronaut on it . she sighed deeply then lost her breath altogether as she entered the kitchen area . this place had a smell that beat you about the head and shoulders while using insults from an old british comedy. "i mean tony it doesn't just stink in here it's like the smell is alive and trying to posses my soul" she said not even realizing she hadn't started that thought out loud. tony was ahead of her in the door way of what was probably the bed room . the entire apartment was alive and crawling she hadn't even noticed the cats until just now . there were just so many of them that they seemed like part of the walls and counter tops. Tony's tone of voice changed and threw her instantly into professional protector mode "Mrs Jonas can you hear me ?!" "Sahara call for medical back up I think she is still breathing " he began rushing across piles of papers and clothes with Sahara right behind him . the papers and debris were sliding in different directions whoch made getting your footing impossible. the cats were screaming and hissing "dispatch... dispatch.. sally i need a wagon now !!" something wasn't right she thought. her inner voice was screaming at her to run but she couldn't. tony was screaming to but there weren't any words. just a guttural noise . the papers slid this way and that. her feet were sinking in and what ever it was they were standing on now was moist and sickly and made crunching noises . she tried to reach Tony who seemed to have fallen while tring to move Mrs. Jonas. Mrs. Jonas lifted her body off of tony and Sahara's mind went white.

on my mind

Not your right
This one really is about you. This one is all about you. Your drama, your vanity, your egotistical ways, it’s all about you are you happy now babe? How ignorant, how arrogant that you would believe, you had a right to tell me about me. This drama is to draining this farce of you dating. No amount of flora can save you from being sad. No number or means changes you, you’re a pitiful man. My heart my intentions those are for me to decipher. You can try all you like but you aren’t the right viper. I gave it a try but you were insistent on bleeding it away.

This is my world
Arrogant pricks waddle down my lane claiming territories that will never have their name. A faggot preacher haunts the eldest of my dwellings while vamped up bits of tissue try desperately to measure my shadow. Intimidated not by their hapless ways impressed none by the empty way they crave. Scratching and scrambling just to make their way when all is lost I still won’t pay. You who view.. you who look on know nothing of the treasures I have hidden away. Look now mindless vessel at the things you will never comprehend.
Look now primate trifle your transport awaits this simple chariot of mud and mane will spirit you away to a place where lollipops play. Tis’ more fitting twas clear this day your engine needs fuel but I’ll never sway. Market it all to more helpless prey, to fluff and frill that cares not what you say. Perhaps this ol’ meteor is to yellowed to jaded but when all comes to naught she is still what you dream of. Sad it is you break this and that she tried to rebuild but you trampled across it wearing ancient rubber spats. oh my now, my little rabbit don’t bounce so high it won’t be a good thing if you really do catch the sky.

passing onwards

It's painful at the moment ...
the way she feels each tick of the clock.
chick chick chick it feels like some one hammering carpet tacks into her brain through her ears.
She sits waiting for him he'll arrive tonight he always does . This time she is ready for him. "why is it so hard to stay awake" lighting another cigarette she nervously checks her supplies again.
titanium bullets with hollow points... check
laudanum laced hot coco ... check
rohipnol bated chocolate chip cookies .... check
a irony driven giggle escaped her as she sang quietly
"shes making a list and checking it twice...."
The droning of the television became clear for a moment as the weather caster excitedly announced the monsters approach. It amazed her the magic he had over the people . it amazed her how no one thought it strange that he came in the middle of the night broke into your house and "left presents" but didn't want you to see him.
the rules for getting free stuff from this mystery creature was you had to be asleep.. why didn't anyone think that it was weird ? why didn't they wounder why he needed them to be asleep?
luckily for them she wondered ... she wondered about allot of things but this one thing was chief one her mind at the moment. she wanted answers and the ones that the media gave her just didn't cut it .
she would get them tonight ...........

Grave Yard Vanity

Looking down from great heights the creatures on the wing must think us a buffoonish infestation. Great metropolises, tiny towns, road side food stands all appearing as oozing scabs on the face of this hapless mud ball. Bits of natural skin peaking thru but manicured neatly with rows of decorative cement ornaments. All for what ? a place to store our empty shells once we have left this Shakespearian envied farce of a life. We are born, we breed, we die, and then they place us in a cement box inside the ground preserved as though we were in some back woods hillbilly cannery. Our flesh chemically enhanced in order to keep safe our lifeless soulless corpses for generations to come (who could care less about some ancient ancestor). The shear vanity of it all overwhelms me . Once again it's saddening to madness.

Echo in here

Is there an Echo in here? All I can hear is my own voice bouncing back at me.. Thin and sharp like razorblades made outa thoughts. They ask a Question .. Then sit and wait with smug faces just to hear what they think is going to come from you. Then when you tell the truth the crickets chirp ..