I stumbled again.
Ended up so far down i might has well have been under ground.
I'm dirty again .
covered in my own filth and feces.
I'm crying again.
Salty bits of nothing running lazily down the inside of my thigh.
I'm screaming again.
the yelps and moans pried out of my lips by the force of your will.
I am broken again.
Tearing myself apart to do the bidding of the unseen.
I am tired again.
Used up and spit out by the powers that be.
I'm useless again.
Fates whore is only as good as her customer base.
Why is falling up so painful?
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Who's Johnny ?
Random bit of my childhood
I would have been a very very small child probably 2 or 3 years old.
My dad was positively explosive with energy ... he was always hyper and loud but he was really wound up i mean just out there completely manic. mom kept saying john i don't think you really should take her .. i think all the strangers will scare her ..... dad made this barking noise and said if you can take her to the bar when you have a gig i can take her to this show ..
after a pause he added
shut up she is my kid too.
i always liked it better when daddy dressed me. mom always made me wear itchy heavy leotards and thick velvet dresses with tons of lace on them . when daddy dressed me he let me wear pretty dresses or pants i liked pants the best ... well honestly i liked naked the absolute best .......
he never tried to put my hair up either i was most grateful for that ..
he kept saying we are going to meet a great man tonight baby and you are gonna sing for him like you do for mommy and daddy ok?
i don't remember much about getting to the place except that we walked cuz daddy couldn't get the car to start.
when we got to the show (that's what daddy kept calling it ... that confused me cuz a show was for the box in the living room ... beside the point i know)
it wasn't that different from moms gigs there were lots of ppl who smelled weird and had on lots of shiny things and none of them had been bottle broke which was a big deal to me because i just had been. i was very angry about it to be honest daddy took my bottle away and told me big girls didn't need them but all these people still had them .. i was pissed .
people came up to us like they always did and daddy wore his pride and joy smile like he always did and they gave me round silver things and peices of paper i couldn't use just like usual . i had never understood why they gave me all this stuff. i couldn't eat it and daddy wouldn't really let me play with it but i took it and put it in daddy's shirt pocket like always. it was noisier than moms gigs with more people but it was the same ... i wasn't scared at all .. a woman we knew was there her name was stacy i think i didn't call her anything cuz i didn't really say much to people outside of daddy .. she held me while daddy went some where but i wiggled around and she put me down .. i wanted on the stage. when i went on moms stage the boys would let me make noise on their toys ... meaning i was allowed to hit the drums and strum the guitars .. and the man on stage had a pretty guitar that made prettier noises than the one on moms stage. i wanted it ... it was harder to get to his stage . i knew the way a set worked i understood what it sounded like when it was time for mom to get off the stage .. i headed for him and his guitar like a heat seeking missile
. this stage was taller than moms but i found the stairs and made my way up them . a man tried to grab me from behind i bit his hand and he let go. i ran as fast as i could to the man with the guitar. there isn't an adult on the planet that can out run a terrible two who is on a mission . i got to him just as he was saying good night to the people . he looked down at me and a smile spread across his face i couldn't say guitar as such i actually said TAW TAW to him .. i could hear my daddy screaming DE DE ANNNNNNE but i wanted that guitar i was reaching up saying taw taw taw.. he crouched down and said whats that honey ... the guitar was now with in reach ... TAW i squealed and reached out and ran my fingers across the strings ... he laughed
daddy was there then and scooped me up he fussed over me and at me but i was happy i played with the guitar . the man said something to the people an they all laughed ... when i was older i asked daddy and he said he told them "now i've had had alot of girls rush the stage in my years but that is by far the prettiest and she don't even want me ... aint that the luck"
the man put his hand on daddies shoulder and said mister that is one helluva reason to get up in the morning . what made u bring this little ray of sunshine to a dark ugly place like this ? what ever it was i sure thank ya.
my daddy grined so big and said that he brought me cuz he wanted me to sing for the man
the man said she can sing she can't hardly talk
daddy said no she doesn't say much really but she can talk and she knows all the words to you are my sunshine . she makes me play the reacord over and over. she takes after her moma. her moma sings country music too you wouldn't know her tho.
the man said we should go some where quieter and we went to a room it was small and there were alot of people in it but they all went real quiet daddy stood me on a table and said Dede are you gonna sing for him the way you do for me ?
i was a little confused at first but then the man started playing the music ... i knew the music soooooo well
you are my tuntine my ownyee tuntine ....
you get the idea ..
and that's the way it was.
I would have been a very very small child probably 2 or 3 years old.
My dad was positively explosive with energy ... he was always hyper and loud but he was really wound up i mean just out there completely manic. mom kept saying john i don't think you really should take her .. i think all the strangers will scare her ..... dad made this barking noise and said if you can take her to the bar when you have a gig i can take her to this show ..
after a pause he added
shut up she is my kid too.
i always liked it better when daddy dressed me. mom always made me wear itchy heavy leotards and thick velvet dresses with tons of lace on them . when daddy dressed me he let me wear pretty dresses or pants i liked pants the best ... well honestly i liked naked the absolute best .......
he never tried to put my hair up either i was most grateful for that ..
he kept saying we are going to meet a great man tonight baby and you are gonna sing for him like you do for mommy and daddy ok?
i don't remember much about getting to the place except that we walked cuz daddy couldn't get the car to start.
when we got to the show (that's what daddy kept calling it ... that confused me cuz a show was for the box in the living room ... beside the point i know)
it wasn't that different from moms gigs there were lots of ppl who smelled weird and had on lots of shiny things and none of them had been bottle broke which was a big deal to me because i just had been. i was very angry about it to be honest daddy took my bottle away and told me big girls didn't need them but all these people still had them .. i was pissed .
people came up to us like they always did and daddy wore his pride and joy smile like he always did and they gave me round silver things and peices of paper i couldn't use just like usual . i had never understood why they gave me all this stuff. i couldn't eat it and daddy wouldn't really let me play with it but i took it and put it in daddy's shirt pocket like always. it was noisier than moms gigs with more people but it was the same ... i wasn't scared at all .. a woman we knew was there her name was stacy i think i didn't call her anything cuz i didn't really say much to people outside of daddy .. she held me while daddy went some where but i wiggled around and she put me down .. i wanted on the stage. when i went on moms stage the boys would let me make noise on their toys ... meaning i was allowed to hit the drums and strum the guitars .. and the man on stage had a pretty guitar that made prettier noises than the one on moms stage. i wanted it ... it was harder to get to his stage . i knew the way a set worked i understood what it sounded like when it was time for mom to get off the stage .. i headed for him and his guitar like a heat seeking missile
. this stage was taller than moms but i found the stairs and made my way up them . a man tried to grab me from behind i bit his hand and he let go. i ran as fast as i could to the man with the guitar. there isn't an adult on the planet that can out run a terrible two who is on a mission . i got to him just as he was saying good night to the people . he looked down at me and a smile spread across his face i couldn't say guitar as such i actually said TAW TAW to him .. i could hear my daddy screaming DE DE ANNNNNNE but i wanted that guitar i was reaching up saying taw taw taw.. he crouched down and said whats that honey ... the guitar was now with in reach ... TAW i squealed and reached out and ran my fingers across the strings ... he laughed
daddy was there then and scooped me up he fussed over me and at me but i was happy i played with the guitar . the man said something to the people an they all laughed ... when i was older i asked daddy and he said he told them "now i've had had alot of girls rush the stage in my years but that is by far the prettiest and she don't even want me ... aint that the luck"
the man put his hand on daddies shoulder and said mister that is one helluva reason to get up in the morning . what made u bring this little ray of sunshine to a dark ugly place like this ? what ever it was i sure thank ya.
my daddy grined so big and said that he brought me cuz he wanted me to sing for the man
the man said she can sing she can't hardly talk
daddy said no she doesn't say much really but she can talk and she knows all the words to you are my sunshine . she makes me play the reacord over and over. she takes after her moma. her moma sings country music too you wouldn't know her tho.
the man said we should go some where quieter and we went to a room it was small and there were alot of people in it but they all went real quiet daddy stood me on a table and said Dede are you gonna sing for him the way you do for me ?
i was a little confused at first but then the man started playing the music ... i knew the music soooooo well
you are my tuntine my ownyee tuntine ....
you get the idea ..
and that's the way it was.
Who's Johnny ?
Desires
because my heart is tiny and black
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day
because of the chink in my armor
because of the stupid ideas in my head
because i don't know if I'm leading or being lead
because of silly little seconds flying past me
because of my longing to dream for ever
because my mind and heart were always separate
because my heart is tiny and black
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day
because of the chink in my armor
because of the stupid ideas in my head
because i don't know if I'm leading or being lead
because of silly little seconds flying past me
because of my longing to dream for ever
because my mind and heart were always separate
because my heart is tiny and black
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day
Desires
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