M is for Madness

2010-03-11T19:32:00.001-08:00

I'm totally gonna miss corey.... RIP

an open letter to my EX husband

2009-09-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

Who I was , what I am, where I am going.
It's been nearly ten years since I last saw you. looking back on our time I can't for the life of me recognize the person you knew. She was angry, insecure, demanding, and more than a bit wrong. for those things I am truly sorry. I NEEDED to feel as though you would love me despite who I was and I acted in ways that leave me baffled in retrospect.
I have no intentions of opening a dialog with you. I want nothing from you. I simply need to clear the air.
That girl from a decade ago was frightened of her self.
I am not.
That girl was at best illiterate.
I am about 9 credits shy of two associate degrees (one in education and one in psych).
That girl was terrified of her own tomorrows.
I am chasing tomorrow with all I have (admittedly with a butcher knife in hand.. but hey it's still an improvement.)
That girl was a victim of her past.
I boss the ghosts of my history around while wearing a brigadiers helmet.
That girl allowed a tiny broken doll to dictate her life.
I am a FREE agent.
That girl dreamed about being somebody anybody.
I finally understand that I am more than a somebody.
There are so many things I want to say.
I want to speak to you sometimes, I want to tell you all about my new grand daughter, and share with you the terror I'm experiencing while watching my youngest little evil grown into a strong bright young woman. I want to ask your advice about which college I should chase to further my psych degree but I hear you have a wife and a life and I am so happy thinking you have found some one who suits you.

Rize again

2009-05-14T18:35:00.001-07:00

I stumbled again.
Ended up so far down i might has well have been under ground.
I'm dirty again .
covered in my own filth and feces.
I'm crying again.
Salty bits of nothing running lazily down the inside of my thigh.
I'm screaming again.
the yelps and moans pried out of my lips by the force of your will.
I am broken again.
Tearing myself apart to do the bidding of the unseen.
I am tired again.
Used up and spit out by the powers that be.
I'm useless again.
Fates whore is only as good as her customer base.
Why is falling up so painful?

Who's Johnny ?

2009-05-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

Random bit of my childhood

I would have been a very very small child probably 2 or 3 years old.
My dad was positively explosive with energy ... he was always hyper and loud but he was really wound up i mean just out there completely manic. mom kept saying john i don't think you really should take her .. i think all the strangers will scare her ..... dad made this barking noise and said if you can take her to the bar when you have a gig i can take her to this show ..
after a pause he added
shut up she is my kid too.
i always liked it better when daddy dressed me. mom always made me wear itchy heavy leotards and thick velvet dresses with tons of lace on them . when daddy dressed me he let me wear pretty dresses or pants i liked pants the best ... well honestly i liked naked the absolute best .......
he never tried to put my hair up either i was most grateful for that ..
he kept saying we are going to meet a great man tonight baby and you are gonna sing for him like you do for mommy and daddy ok?
i don't remember much about getting to the place except that we walked cuz daddy couldn't get the car to start.
when we got to the show (that's what daddy kept calling it ... that confused me cuz a show was for the box in the living room ... beside the point i know)
it wasn't that different from moms gigs there were lots of ppl who smelled weird and had on lots of shiny things and none of them had been bottle broke which was a big deal to me because i just had been. i was very angry about it to be honest daddy took my bottle away and told me big girls didn't need them but all these people still had them .. i was pissed .
people came up to us like they always did and daddy wore his pride and joy smile like he always did and they gave me round silver things and peices of paper i couldn't use just like usual . i had never understood why they gave me all this stuff. i couldn't eat it and daddy wouldn't really let me play with it but i took it and put it in daddy's shirt pocket like always. it was noisier than moms gigs with more people but it was the same ... i wasn't scared at all .. a woman we knew was there her name was stacy i think i didn't call her anything cuz i didn't really say much to people outside of daddy .. she held me while daddy went some where but i wiggled around and she put me down .. i wanted on the stage. when i went on moms stage the boys would let me make noise on their toys ... meaning i was allowed to hit the drums and strum the guitars .. and the man on stage had a pretty guitar that made prettier noises than the one on moms stage. i wanted it ... it was harder to get to his stage . i knew the way a set worked i understood what it sounded like when it was time for mom to get off the stage .. i headed for him and his guitar like a heat seeking missile
. this stage was taller than moms but i found the stairs and made my way up them . a man tried to grab me from behind i bit his hand and he let go. i ran as fast as i could to the man with the guitar. there isn't an adult on the planet that can out run a terrible two who is on a mission . i got to him just as he was saying good night to the people . he looked down at me and a smile spread across his face i couldn't say guitar as such i actually said TAW TAW to him .. i could hear my daddy screaming DE DE ANNNNNNE but i wanted that guitar i was reaching up saying taw taw taw.. he crouched down and said whats that honey ... the guitar was now with in reach ... TAW i squealed and reached out and ran my fingers across the strings ... he laughed
daddy was there then and scooped me up he fussed over me and at me but i was happy i played with the guitar . the man said something to the people an they all laughed ... when i was older i asked daddy and he said he told them "now i've had had alot of girls rush the stage in my years but that is by far the prettiest and she don't even want me ... aint that the luck"
the man put his hand on daddies shoulder and said mister that is one helluva reason to get up in the morning . what made u bring this little ray of sunshine to a dark ugly place like this ? what ever it was i sure thank ya.
my daddy grined so big and said that he brought me cuz he wanted me to sing for the man
the man said she can sing she can't hardly talk
daddy said no she doesn't say much really but she can talk and she knows all the words to you are my sunshine . she makes me play the reacord over and over. she takes after her moma. her moma sings country music too you wouldn't know her tho.
the man said we should go some where quieter and we went to a room it was small and there were alot of people in it but they all went real quiet daddy stood me on a table and said Dede are you gonna sing for him the way you do for me ?
i was a little confused at first but then the man started playing the music ... i knew the music soooooo well
you are my tuntine my ownyee tuntine ....
you get the idea ..
and that's the way it was.

Desires

2009-05-06T13:58:00.001-07:00

because my heart is tiny and black
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day
because of the chink in my armor
because of the stupid ideas in my head
because i don't know if I'm leading or being lead
because of silly little seconds flying past me
because of my longing to dream for ever
because my mind and heart were always separate
because my heart is tiny and black
because of you and your gentle ways
because of the flood you caused that day

concerns

2009-04-16T22:56:00.000-07:00

Breathe slowly

In with the smoke

Out with the used up leftovers

I’m supposed to be getting those stop smoking pills

I’m kind of scared

I’ve spent allot more of my life as a smoker than not

brittle wings and things

2009-01-19T17:39:00.000-08:00

I always try to wait my turn patiently ........
not in a moment like this tho.
I have a couple chocolate milks and sandwiches for me and the youngest and I'm standing in line waiting to check out. as I look around at all the people ( a habit i learned when i was a much younger much more illegal gurl) i spot her through the windows of the QuickTrip. an involuntary shutter rages through me at the shear idea of the drama i know is coming. the pair of them are at least sober enough to walk. he has taken to this paul buyon look as of late sporting an empressive beard and baggy jeans while she has surrendered the temptress look and gone for this boheimian sheek thing(aka charity clothes in layers). as I prayed they hadn't seen me yet I begged the man in front of me to let me cut in line no such luck. i look up an he is wearing a hearing aid and she has already wrapped her whole body around me. "Oh My GOD baby how are you? me an him are doing great. hows the kids? are you doing well in school? of course you are you are probably the smartest person i know next to him." I am starting to feel like an ass for wanting to avoid her but she cures me quickly when she turns and sees some kid checking out on the other side of the counter. he has his hands full of laffy taffy and looks .. well about 15. "oh it's you mother fucker don't think i don't recognize you." she says in a matter of fact tone. he looks up at her and you can tell by the look on his face he has delt with her before. instinctualy i play through the possiblities of the scenerio in my head. I come up with ideas like maybe he vandalized something of theirs or stold something.. i wasn't ready for what came next. " honey thats him thats him" she says fervently to her lover "thats the one that raped me. aren't you going to do something about it?" her lover says calmly to the counter guy could you please call the police? the counter guy agrees and she gets mad as fuck.
"that man raped me and you want to call the police? i thought you loved me you cowardly peice of shit. fine i'll kick his ass myself!" up till now she has ahold of my coat sleeve. she lets go and i hastly pay for my things and try to get out the door. I can't get out tho because one of the counter guys two strangers and her lover are having a confrontation in front of the doors with this band of like 4 or 5 15 year old kids. it isn't physical yet the adult men know better what with the boys being so obviously underage. she is some how weeping about her trama with out shedding a tear and or for that matter appearing even remotely sencere. another guy from behind the counter says hey why aren't you helping your friend she has a right to be upset? an older black woman pipes up "cuz that junkie bitch is obviously full of shit.. thats why ain't nobody cares." I hold up two fingers and the man says ask whats that mean ? a biker guy says "she means she seconds that notion" the girl is crawling all over me bawling and screaming with the most transparent angst you have ever seen. the older black woman sees my utter revulsion and takes pitty on me i suppose because she grabs my arm and yanks on me hard pulling me out of the girls grasp . she drags me through the crowd of guys at the front door yelling "the first one of you craker faggots lays a hand on me is gonna taste some evil" i think thats one helluva quote there. the 15 year old boys use the distraction to make a break for it I do as well making it to the van as the boys beat a hasty retreet i can't help but notice that for rapeists they sure are making an awful lot of effort to not knock over the old women who are at the end off the side walk gawkin the whole scene.
sigh
for more info on these two "characters" see of needles and wings.

of needles and wings

2008-12-27T19:24:00.000-08:00

"She was a looker once wasn't she?" I ask openly of the girl sitting in front of me. She sits cross legged on the floor head lolling to the left, mouth slightly open, and the lids of her dark eyes nearly closed. she opens her mouth only slightly wider and mumbles something that sounds like " I'm not sigh I'm juss a lil tiwred cush i ain't beend sleepin sho well." If you have ever known a girl like her you learned fairly quickly to translate thru the opiate slurr. " Or it could be the pills. You think, maybe your tired becuase of the pills hun?" I know what the response will be long before I have finished the sentence. "noooo, I didn't take no pills. why would you say that? I don't take pills. I'm just tired i told you. Besides you know i can handle my drugs and i only had three cottons thats not enough to get me off... you know that." Her lover emerges from the bathroom of their tiny efficiency apartment theres a strap mark fresh and red in the pale white of his skin. still rubbing the site of his injection he sinks to the floor behind her and begins nuzzeling her neck and hair. I'm struck by the contrast of their skin hers being this dark deep tan naturally inherited from her father who was rumored to have been from pakastan, his pasty white i wouldn't even attempt a guess at his linage just general Caucasian you know. He's cooing at her now "i love you baby. you are so perfect how did i get so lucky to find you? god your so beautiful!" Theres nothing quite like Junkie love. here they sit all cuddeled up an being cute. Her sporting a black eye and busted lip from where he hit her, and him sporting a large bundeled of bandaging on his thigh from where she got mad and stabbed him over a rig of heroin last night (which is the reason he hit her this time) but never forget they are in love. I can't help myself a very loud very dramatic sigh escapes me .. they both look up at me an she says "don't worry baby you'll get a good guy one day. he won't be as good as mine, but don't forget he is mine an you can't have him." This odd barking laugh flows out of me " ya i'm sure one day i'll find mr. right. Thank you for thinking of me." At this point he has all but removed her top, Mind you that crammed into this room are the three of us an six other guys. Oddly enough only two of these other guys are actually looking at the pair of them . it seems that even other junkies are annoyed by her. I take a long slow drag off my cigarette and think to myself.. you know if i wrote these people as characters i'm not sure anyone would believe they were real.. While her lover openly mauls her in front of this audience comprised mostly of people who appear to be repulsed she begins to repeat her dialog. one which we have all heard a million or more times. "My mom tricked me an stold my daughter... they won't let me have her back... i miss her sooo much.. it wouldn't be like this if she was here you know... I love her... She's with my EX's parents.. those snotty rich fuckers won't let me spend time with her.. they say i'm a drug addict! Can you believe that a drug addict ?? me a drug addict? HA ! assholes just want to steal her because she is so perfect" he swats her "playfully" on the back of her head it makes this big WAP noise and he chides her "I told you not to dwell on that anymore it only makes you depressed. I like it better when your happy. here take this it will make it better baby" he crams a pill into her mouth this time it's one of the bars they just bought off me. normally i make my drop and leave but theres alot of cops roaming the hood so i'm laying low here for a few minutes. honestly tho at this point being arrested seems preferable. i get lost in my thoughts in a memory of a conversation with my daughter .. she asked me if selling them the drugs made me just as awful as they are for being addicted to the drugs . i told her honey look in momies purse how many pill bottles are there . she counts them and comes up with 15 but only 13 different kinds of pills. i say to her baby you know they are there and yet are either of us so high on those pills that we can't speak? she says no mom i hardly ever even see you take them. i say yea thats cuz i have self control an so do you. those people aren't my responsibility they know what they are doing and don't care. they will do what ever it takes to feed their addiction so why not let their addiction buy you the new shoes you want? she looked puzzled for a moment and says mom you are always talking about helping people and doing whats right even if they were gonna try to get it from somewhere shouldn't you try to help them get control? I have tried baby i took that girl to sign into a rehab three times now. I don't have to help people who won't help themselves. theres a difference between enabling her and her habit and helping mrs. smite with her lawn .. I'm pulled out of my thoughts by what sounds to be a scuffel i open my eyes to find one of the other guys has pulled out his rig bag and she is crawling across the floor begging the guy for his rinse crying that she hasn't had anything all day an she's dope sick he mumbles "whatever bitch" and she's on him now rubbing his cock and cooing at him about how she would do anything for just a little bit her lover is nodding out an unawares the guy shoves her away from him .. i notice he is nicer than most of them the others would have out an out hit her. he looks up for help and realizing he isn't going to find any. he promises her his rinse if she'll just shut the fuck up. he breaks out a small baggy full of white powder i can tell from across the room that it's nothing i would ever be interested in it's clumpy and kind of gooey looking, he gathers his odds and ends out of his rig kit. When she sees the bag her whineing and cooing hits a new level of annoying plaintive wail. she's on him again i am amazed by how fast she moves she has crossed the distance between them and has his pants undone an his dick in her mouth before he has time to even protest not that he could do much he has a cup of water and a spoon in one hand and the powder baggy and dart in the other. her head bobs furiously up and down on his crotch and all he can say is "bitch get off ..." he's screaming for her lover to come and get her. Now i'm a helpful person but i'm not getting near either of them especially not knowing if that dart is clean or dirty. so i get up and take three steps across the room to kick her lover only there isn't much response so i kick him again and hard this time. HE comes around begrudgingly and i grab his hair and point him at his girl "hey man you better get her before she makes him spill his shit an he beats the shit out of her." She realizes that he's awake when he grabs her by her ankle and drags her towards him and begins to scream "he was rapeing I would never cheat on you . HE was rapeing me !". he is screaming at the guy "Your like my brother man, how could you do this to me?" the guy with the baggy is ignoring them both and working at getting his rig in order. i won't lie i'm laughing full on out loud this is some comical shit guys it really is .. fuck jerry springer and jerry lewis we need a jerry junkie show for TV.

Yeah i know it's typo heaven sorri

lurking

2008-12-26T09:49:00.000-08:00

"god i hate that smell." she moaned as they entered the door. "i hate these calls to! have i mentioned that to you tony?" refusing to commit to the subject he simply restated " alright we are here on a second go round. we have the warrant. she's approximately 73 , a shut in, last heard from 3 days ago, and she should be behiiiind this door." he said soundly rapping on the apartment door. "Mrs. Jonas ... Mrs. Jonas.. this is officer Randolf with the police department. " he shouted. he was loud enough that the dead would have been bothered but nothing stirred. tony paused and turned "where is the land lord? " Sahara gloomed "I'll call in and see if they can reach him" "Mrs. Jonas if you don't at least respond to us verbaly we will be forced to enter. we have a warrant. you aren't in any trouble Mrs. Jonas we simply need to know if you are OK" Sahara moved away a few feet so that she could hear the radio over tony pounding on the door. "break it down" came back from the dispatcher and Sahara sank inside. "tony I'm gonna go get the ram word is to take the door down" stepping out into the open air she took several deep breaths . her lungs hurt she hadn't realized she had been all but holding her breath. walking towards the squad car she squirmed inside her skin. she hated old people they just made her stomach turn. it wasn't that she thought bad things should happen to them or that they didn't have a right to live or what ever it was just that she couldn't stand them. the way they smelled. that scary scratchy part of their voice. their wrinkled nasty skin . trying to get the key into the lock on the trunk she realized she was trembling. she tried to shake it off but it came off more like a shutter than an exercise of will. she yanked the ram out of trunk and tried to prepare herself mentally to re enter the dank gloom of the apartment building . it was an old brown stone the sort that used to cover older parts of town. most of them had been torn down to make room for "progress" she normally thought it a shame to demolish them but right now she wasn't so sure. reaching the top of the third floor she knew something was wrong. all her senses told her to run but she couldn't understand why. then she realized tony was no longer in the hallway mentally she kicked herself for being so easily spooked. the old bird probably answered the door finally. the battery in her hearing aid had probably run down with out her noticing and she hadn't heard him at first. he was in there now fending off her 15 cats and politely pretending to drink a cup of coffee. still for some reason she dropped the ram. it landed with a thud as she drew her gun and called out "tony ?" tony stuck his head through the open apartment door way and gave her a quirky smile "i guess i don't know my own strength" his smile usually made her feel safe but it didn't sooth her nerves this time. he looked at her drawn weapon with an odd tilt of his head "hey when your done chasing the bogies in the hallway you could join me in here looking for Mrs Jonas." cursing him under her breath as she did frequently she holstered her gun but didn't secure it. pulling her self together she tried to casually walk to the door and into the apartment but again failed miserably as her legs seemed to be made of something spongy and argumentative. by the time she made it into the door tony was no longer in sight but she could hear him in the next room calling out for the old lady. Sahara picked her way through piles and piles of magazines and newspapers past mountains of empty cat food cans and over mounds of empty grocer sacks and old plastic containers. what was it she thought to her self about old people and saving plastic bowls and old jars she was certain she had just seen a tang jar with a picture of an astronaut on it . she sighed deeply then lost her breath altogether as she entered the kitchen area . this place had a smell that beat you about the head and shoulders while using insults from an old british comedy. "i mean tony it doesn't just stink in here it's like the smell is alive and trying to posses my soul" she said not even realizing she hadn't started that thought out loud. tony was ahead of her in the door way of what was probably the bed room . the entire apartment was alive and crawling she hadn't even noticed the cats until just now . there were just so many of them that they seemed like part of the walls and counter tops. Tony's tone of voice changed and threw her instantly into professional protector mode "Mrs Jonas can you hear me ?!" "Sahara call for medical back up I think she is still breathing " he began rushing across piles of papers and clothes with Sahara right behind him . the papers and debris were sliding in different directions whoch made getting your footing impossible. the cats were screaming and hissing "dispatch... dispatch.. sally i need a wagon now !!" something wasn't right she thought. her inner voice was screaming at her to run but she couldn't. tony was screaming to but there weren't any words. just a guttural noise . the papers slid this way and that. her feet were sinking in and what ever it was they were standing on now was moist and sickly and made crunching noises . she tried to reach Tony who seemed to have fallen while tring to move Mrs. Jonas. Mrs. Jonas lifted her body off of tony and Sahara's mind went white.

on my mind

2008-12-25T20:54:00.001-08:00

Not your right
This one really is about you. This one is all about you. Your drama, your vanity, your egotistical ways, it’s all about you are you happy now babe? How ignorant, how arrogant that you would believe, you had a right to tell me about me. This drama is to draining this farce of you dating. No amount of flora can save you from being sad. No number or means changes you, you’re a pitiful man. My heart my intentions those are for me to decipher. You can try all you like but you aren’t the right viper. I gave it a try but you were insistent on bleeding it away.

This is my world
Arrogant pricks waddle down my lane claiming territories that will never have their name. A faggot preacher haunts the eldest of my dwellings while vamped up bits of tissue try desperately to measure my shadow. Intimidated not by their hapless ways impressed none by the empty way they crave. Scratching and scrambling just to make their way when all is lost I still won’t pay. You who view.. you who look on know nothing of the treasures I have hidden away. Look now mindless vessel at the things you will never comprehend.
Look now primate trifle your transport awaits this simple chariot of mud and mane will spirit you away to a place where lollipops play. Tis’ more fitting twas clear this day your engine needs fuel but I’ll never sway. Market it all to more helpless prey, to fluff and frill that cares not what you say. Perhaps this ol’ meteor is to yellowed to jaded but when all comes to naught she is still what you dream of. Sad it is you break this and that she tried to rebuild but you trampled across it wearing ancient rubber spats. oh my now, my little rabbit don’t bounce so high it won’t be a good thing if you really do catch the sky.

passing onwards

2008-12-24T19:48:00.000-08:00

It's painful at the moment ...
the way she feels each tick of the clock.
chick chick chick it feels like some one hammering carpet tacks into her brain through her ears.
She sits waiting for him he'll arrive tonight he always does . This time she is ready for him. "why is it so hard to stay awake" lighting another cigarette she nervously checks her supplies again.
titanium bullets with hollow points... check
laudanum laced hot coco ... check
rohipnol bated chocolate chip cookies .... check
a irony driven giggle escaped her as she sang quietly
"shes making a list and checking it twice...."
The droning of the television became clear for a moment as the weather caster excitedly announced the monsters approach. It amazed her the magic he had over the people . it amazed her how no one thought it strange that he came in the middle of the night broke into your house and "left presents" but didn't want you to see him.
the rules for getting free stuff from this mystery creature was you had to be asleep.. why didn't anyone think that it was weird ? why didn't they wounder why he needed them to be asleep?
luckily for them she wondered ... she wondered about allot of things but this one thing was chief one her mind at the moment. she wanted answers and the ones that the media gave her just didn't cut it .
she would get them tonight ...........

Grave Yard Vanity

2008-12-18T12:11:00.000-08:00

Looking down from great heights the creatures on the wing must think us a buffoonish infestation. Great metropolises, tiny towns, road side food stands all appearing as oozing scabs on the face of this hapless mud ball. Bits of natural skin peaking thru but manicured neatly with rows of decorative cement ornaments. All for what ? a place to store our empty shells once we have left this Shakespearian envied farce of a life. We are born, we breed, we die, and then they place us in a cement box inside the ground preserved as though we were in some back woods hillbilly cannery. Our flesh chemically enhanced in order to keep safe our lifeless soulless corpses for generations to come (who could care less about some ancient ancestor). The shear vanity of it all overwhelms me . Once again it's saddening to madness.

Echo in here

2008-12-16T08:28:00.000-08:00

Is there an Echo in here? All I can hear is my own voice bouncing back at me.. Thin and sharp like razorblades made outa thoughts. They ask a Question .. Then sit and wait with smug faces just to hear what they think is going to come from you. Then when you tell the truth the crickets chirp ..

E

2007-09-18T17:03:00.000-07:00

EVERMORE

I don't know how to begin. He was just suddenly there, this huge hulking mass of native american. He's gone now I just heard about it a few hours ago sept 18 . I'm flooded with memories still . Like hugging the camode at crispy's house throwing up . I looked into the bowl and their were all these strange dark lines kinda like when you throw up blood. I looked up and he was standing in the door. "you ok?" He always tried to seem casual. "I think I'm throwing up blood..." I whimpered. He looked over my shoulder saw what as a sober person I know was just dr. pepper. "aaa you'll be fine it's just those damd flying monkeys." he said with a straight face. "It's not blood?" "naaa it's definitely flying monkeys." he helped me up and washed off my face. I washed as his dark hand and white wash cloth whipped across my pale skin in the mirror. "hey don't look to hard at that you'll get lost" I nodded "Hey check this out" he said as he lite a bic lighter and moved it side to side making tracers for me. "O wow " I giggled he led me out of the bathroom and into the dinning room where I slept in this weird round chair. Every one else was going to sleep . he guided me to my bed and handed me a little piece of furry cloth stuff and told me that I wasn't allowed to get off my chair or the monkeys would fly away with me. The furry cloth was to protect me against anything scary.

There was a guy named tomas he had a crush on me but I was oblivious, I usually was back then. still have that issue now come to think of it. one day i went with him to this "lock in party" it was so lame. so we left and drove around just talking and listening to the radio. he stopped and said he was tired and that he wanted to crash so he lays down the back seat and tugs on my arm "come on lets get some rest it's 4 am" so I climb back there gullibility thinking that we were gonna crash. he got handsy with me and kinda rough. i got out of the car and started walking. two days later when i had my way back to the house he asked me where i'd been. i broke and told him. NDN tortured the hell out of that guy alot of the guys from the scene did. I wasn't used to ppl caring . about a month later NDN walked up to me and handed me a necklace that the guy always wore. it had blood on it . NDN had run into him alone and roughed him up.

I spent so much of that time confused. he would always patiently explain why ppl acted the way they did or what i had done to cause it. he taught me to mosh, shoot vodka, and how to throw up with out getting it on my clothes. He pinched me when i said something derogatory about my self. When he crashed at crispy's he woke up when i had bad dreams and held my hand.

Rest sweetly I really will miss you with all my heart.

D is for

2007-09-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

Desolation

An audience of Nil is who hears my cries. How gothic is that ?
Some days i dream of being heard.. Others i pray with all my little black bleeding heart that no one has noticed me or my maladies. 33rd it is now the year of metamorphose i drag my feet. I am growing older and change is frightening to me. over and over i chide myself for being so cowardly .. were it a man who threatened the things i want i would crush him totally, thoroughly, and completely. it's not a man is it? it's not another person at all it's me and my petty worries and woes. my steps carry more weight now change will effect them more so than before because all we have is us even if they would kill to be chained to anyone but me.
funny to adore them and have her despise me ....
fate of things i suppose

C is for ....

2007-09-01T01:31:00.000-07:00

Contraption (this INFERNAL..)

"Well if this infernal contraption would...." or " Why doesn't this irritating contraption do what it's supposed to do?" Those two statements told the entire world that Jim was "working" on something and had plans to continue until it was "fixed" . By the way if you aren't aware of the definition of the word fixed it means mutilated beyond recognition, O and working that actually means beating mercilessly at an inanimate object with a collection of the most impressive looking tools you can possible muster. Jim was one of my step grandfathers. My Mother was from Grandma's second marriage and Jim was her fifth husband. I had grown up with the man in fact until I was ten or so before I had even met any of the others, but I knew I wasn't his actual granddaughter.
Moving on is what we should be doing I reckon, so here we go.....

It's the dead of winter here in Thonnasassa Fl. which of course means it's a frigid 65 degrees out. Now while I know that there are allot of towns in which a 65 degree day in January would be cause for nothing short of jubilation, here it's a terribly cold day for a climate that is mostly temperate to hot and occasionally even dammed hot. I've already seen our weirdo neighbors pop their heads out make exclamations about the cold air and burrow back into their cozy trailer. Where no doubt electric heaters and warming blankets have been drug from their hiding holes and put into service. It only makes me laugh at their strangeness all the more. "grandpa i thought dey was from up nort sumplase like mitchigun or somethin" I'm prodding him for more information about the people he told me I'm not allowed to be in contact with. He knows it and I know he knows it.... etc.... "Girl, just go get me a 18ths inch head fur my drill, and quit askin about stuff you know damwell your not sposed to be into." "yet tir" I bowed my head and obediently went after the requested tool piece. I'm not fooled old man I thought to myself he'll break as soon as you get back with this socket he let it spill out nice and easy like it's all on purpose. I return with a simple smile on my face certain I had guessed what an 18th inch socket looked like. It was a guess you know, I hadn't a clue what he was talking about beyond that when he worked on the lawn mower he used these one things with holes down the middle on the end of his drill he called them sockets. He was working on the mower now and I hadn't seen the holed sockets so he must want those. I hold my hand out palm up with two of the sockets balanced carefully on top of it. He looked up and smiled at me. "Figured two was safer odds of getting right did you?" "Yet tir" I said simply I never had to hide with Grandpa he understood me, knew my limitations, comprehended my potential and rolled with it all. "Good plan girl, three might have been a safer bet tho." "No tir, it wudn't hab cuz i wuda habd prolems wit three pitting into my hand." I spoke in the way that was comfortable there were times when he fussed over how I spoke, but as long as we were in a private setting it was safe to talk the right way the normal way. "dot it wite doe didnt i?" "Yes Sister you did. Good job with it too." He called every one who wasn't Grandma but was female sister, even his own daughters. I stood there starring at him waiting for the expected. He stopped working after a moment and said softly "Yes they are from Michigan, or at least, that's how they tell it." I smiled a big smile, stuck my finger in my mouth, and made for the inner gate planning now to play on my swing set until he took a break for lunch or Grandma found something for me to do.

B is for

2007-08-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

Buttwoopin

I pulled some down right dumbass stuff when I was a kid.
My Daddi had this "friend" .. we are gonna call her T. T had two daughters who were a good bit older than I was. One was named Mary, I thought she was the coolest person EVER. In retrospect she wasn't that cool and to be perfectly honest ... well... she was... she was an idiot. I was probably 7 or so and she would have been 14ish and we got along smashingly. If that gives you any idea as to her mental shape.
We managed to find trouble on a constant basis most of which was fairly harmless. We did take my mom's 22 once and we shot out the land lords windows, oddly enoughall we got from that escapade was a stern lecture on not aiming guns atliving people or the places where they may be. We were caught "playingDoctor" more times than I could possible hope to count, and were known for making the boys who lived in my trailer park cry. We did EVIL things to them.

Once one of the older boys (I'm not sure how old he was, but Iremember he was growing facial hair and could drive a car)told me that he had a bag of candy left over from Halloween at his place which was overthe bridge on the other side of the trailer park. He said if I would come get it that me an Mary could have it. Only I had to come by myself because his mom didn't want kids in the house and I would be small enough to sneak past her.
I'm not sure how much you as the reader knowsabout me at this point. so I will tell you this, I am allot of things, but fool isn't on that list.
So I tell Mary that I'm going over the bridgewith this big kid and that he says no one else can come. Then I "meekly" take his hand and we walk towards his trailer. Mary and I already know about boys like him. Once he and I have crossed over the bridge to the back half of the park Mary goes through the brush then down the creek so that she comes up behind the left side of the park. This puts her near the back of his trailer. She watches us walk quietly up to his trailer door. She watches him open the door and lead me in .
He leads me down the hallway to the back bedroom of the trailer past a rear door which I stumble past grabbing the knob an unlocking it in the process. I ask "where's your mom I thought we had to be quiet" he says "O she isn't home" I respond with "ya I didn't think she would be." and he looks at me kind of strange. Then smirks "You know the score huh? I knew you and that little snotty bitch friend of yours were dirty girls." He reached out to grab hold of me. His face was scary all pinched up and angry, then it just kind of went slack as this loud PING noise filled the room. Mary hit him a second time with the skillet growling "Snotty bitch!" . "what now? you think he really has candy?" Mary always carried this odd sort of hohumness, this way about her that seemed like every moment was utterly ordinary to her. I pulled my thumb out of my mouth "naa prolly not but I bet he's got moneys somewheres round here tho. Don't big kids always gots moneys?" Mary nodded and started trying to fit her hands into the pockets of his skin tight jeans.

The walls were papered with posters of scary looking guys, halfnaked girls, and there was weird junk everywhere. At this point I didn't know what rock music was my Mom always listened to oldies or country same as my Dad.
We tore apart his room and came up with money, a pack of smokes, some "green crap" that I had seen my cousins with, and a mounds candy bar. "BLECH thats not candy whys he wanna eat that, thats so gross!" I whined loudly. Mary picked up a note pad from beside his bed found a blank page and scrawled some words on it. Words were still kind of weird to me as well. I knew letters and how to write words but I couldn't relate in my head those symbols and the words that came out of my mouth. So I asked her "watcha makein?" she read it aloud to me "dear this guys mom your son is a nasty perv momo. please beat him. " It made me laugh hard . in case you don't know a momo is what we called the dirty guys who touched you . In school I heard them say molester and I did to that word what I do to all words I adjusted it to suit me. "Hey you gotta add that she needs to teach him to eat good candy" I giggled. After a moment or two of scratching the pencil against the paper she chimed "And please buy him better candy it may be why he's a momo. signed Xs and Os 2s" the two is what allot of the kids around the park called us "oh no here comes the two" We went to the other bedroom and Mary laid the notebook on the bed. " No you gotta hide it so he won't see it" I chided. I always thought I was the boss. "If we hide it how will she see it?" Mary countered thrilled to have a good point. Then her face lit up and I knew she had thought of a good idea. She slid the note book carefully under the pillow and put the covers neatly back on the bed. "now she'll find itwhen shes gonna go to bed an he can't just see it." I told her she was the smartest person ever, which made her grin so big it looked like it should hurt. We locked the trailer door behind us and snuck back to our half the park thru the brush. We stopped by my trailer to hide the smokes and green and then made a bee line for the piggly wiggly. When we got home with a big old sack of candy and other junk the back half of the trailer park looked like a Christmas display. I was fascinated by the lights an stood real still watching them.

Mary grabbed me by the arm and drug me into the trailer. My Dad, Mom, T, Mary's sister, and myGrandparents were all sitting in the living room. Not one of them looked happy. "Where the fuck have you been?" My Daddi had a voice that could be heard for blocks and in the tiny space of the living room of a two bedroom trailer it was a deafining roar. Mary broke instantly, see T was a single Mom and Dad played enforcer for the girls. Mary was terrified. She spilt it all , I was shaking and crying because she was shaking and crying and it must be horrible if it upset Mary.
The looks our grown ups wore when they heard the whole story.
The olderboy, me unlocking the back door, the skillet, taking his money, and leaving his mom a note.
Grandma went white, Grandpa was mumbling prayers under his breath, Mom was laughing , Dad looked like he wanted to smile but knew he shouldn't, and T was furious and screaming at me about being careless and at Mary about me being a little baby and not bait...
All we knew was that we were busted .. all of the grown ups broke out into anargument about whether we should be allowed to keep our loot... they eventually decided that we were to be grounded but allowed to split our candy.
The cops never came .....

Like I said I pulled some down right dumbass stuff when I was a kid.

A is for

2007-08-20T10:35:00.000-07:00

assmuncher
he was a pretty little thing .. one of those boys who u know got cheated out of a vagina by the baby sex fairy. His body wasn't really all that feminine to be perfectly honest he was actually really well endowed for a guy his size .. he was some where in the neighborhood of 5 foot 5 inches and he weight around 110 maybe 115 pounds . He was toned and had a creamy Mediterranean skin flavor that was even and smooth.. something about his skin made you hungry I'm not sure why but it made you actually physically hungry. He grew no body hair, had full pouty lips, and incredible eyelashes that batted come hither glances with ease.

He's drunk now , sprawled gracelessly across my bed moaning about his DESPERATE need to go to this "super" drag show.. "Everybody who is anybody will be there."and he "HAS to go and he HAS to be dressed amazingly ..
only one problem the cops are cracking down on the "gurls" and if he tries to work he's afraid he'll get busted and all three of his regular johns are out of pocket for some reason...
"I'll just die if I don't get to go moma I will I'll just expire on the spot!"
I already have a plan.
First I know that i went and worked my "mystic beat" and pulled a hundred bucks in tips .
Second i know that our upstairs neighbor Jocky has just broken up with his S.O. and is in the dangerous territory of having to appear at said event with an empty arm.. Which is a good thing when your young and wild, but when your an older glam boy you want to appear stable. The best way to do that, is to always have something pretty on your arm.
The third thing i know which he also knows but isn't willing to admit is that I am an utter perv. and adore watching men do just about anything naked, and I really like it when they do what ever they are doing naked in pairs or larger groups.
Fourth i know that my "other half" the jackass that he is, is passed out on the couch in his unders with a bong between his knees and i am pissssssed about it. You know some people can smoke pot regularly and still live life. This jerk can't, he gets stoned and is worthless for anything ! Which is shitty in general, but especially shitty when you consider that I have an impossibly huge jewelry order to fill in two days. One that he is supposed to be helping me with since he quit his job ( A brilliant maneuver which leaves me scrambling to pay rent). I already have the money for rent but that isn't the point now is it ?

I'm not worried about Jocky at all he'll bite on the idea. He needs a cute escort and he owes me BIG TIME for a favor (that will probably make it to another story). I know I got enough dough to buy this kid a cute outfit and what I can't do Jocky will help with. If the kid looks good then Jocky looks good you know. So clothes aren't an issue anymore, and I tell the boy as much .
You' would think he would seem relived by me saying as much.....but he isn't and do you know why ? It's because he knows me. He knows it's gonna cost him something only he can't figure out what . He asks me in a mousy voice "moma whats in it for you?" I must have smiled because I suddenly saw fear in his eyes . People don't like it when I smile, never have. " Oh nothing you don't do on a normal night doll." the words slide out of my mouth covered in honey. "Just a little work and a few pictures is all." I'm doing my level best to sound innocent and.... well not like I'm planning to have this kid violate a straight man while he's bound gaged and stoned out of his mind. "Just go upstairs and ask Jocky to come down with his bag of tricks tell him it's preeeeemo impotantay" i think the fear must have sobered him a little. he's no longer staggering and his speech is much clearer. He's gone now and i have busied myself straighting up the living room. I don't want a dirty house in those pics now do I ? of course not. .....